An attention grabber. The photo grabs my attention, not because I’m in it, because this man of such raw Australian beauty…
This did impact my life
it has always impacted my life.
So much hesitation when uploading this photo as my concerns were…….What is my motive here ? Why am I choosing this photo ?
Is it for attention or is it because I genuinely want to share the stories behind it.
The sacral outcomes of pleasing.
As much as we would like to think we don’t….
Why did I chose this photo ?
The truth is, For me.
‘This man came to the same motel that I was at.
On the very train I was meant to be on.
The February 2022 floods in Gympie down to NSW saw many affected in different ways
Sitting the morning after being advised “All trains cancelled” writing away, I spotted Jimmy to my left.
‘Not wanting to be cliche or destroying HIS morning peace, I continued listening to Joan Armatrading whilst tapping away on my iPad Pro.
My body language and soul connected with an open gesture and Jimmy felt it. His body language and style of comfort showed acknowledgment. Yet no words were spoken.
When that moment comes, it’s almost like waiting but not waiting. Deep inside, I’m just carrying on. Then something just sparks the moment with a break in silence. It wasn’t awkward. Far from it.
A loud cough from Jimmy saw my involuntary words with no bloody filter slip out. Like there’s this other lady inside that doesn’t try pleasing.
“Gee, that’s better out than in.”
A friendship begins…….
I hesitated putting this photo up.
I asked permission.
This isn’t an attention grabber that’s so effen trendy at the moment. The “sorry” trend.
The pleasing in words, offerings of money and other empty promises. It’s pride for me.
Jimmy is so so so proud.
Seeing my father in him drew me closer and closer.
A few moments of fear did arise as the port sees the angry little boy surface. Hey, I’m a pro with these situations. Dampening the conversation and dragging it another way works most of the time. Watching his eyes connect with his words that held so much sadness, anger, disappointment and need to please guided me as I navigated through his fear. It worked every time . Not because he was gullible though, because the port was allowing me too.
So much in him just came out and it wasn’t foreign. It was my dad talking
He felt so comfortable and just unleashed himself to me… me this lost 51 year old woman that just kept smiling and stayed oblivious to life outside this small zone of NOW. Questioning myself many times for self pleasing, not people pleasing…..SELF PLEASING….
Im impressed with where I am, where I was and what I’m doing… Rather, not doing. But am I ? Digging deep many times, I found myself smiling almost contemptuously. Not feeling contemptuous , this created concern and further questions to myself…
shit, this is true inner happiness This is what living the now feels like. No inner demons dampening or wallowing in my mind as I wade through every moment.. This is LIVING IN THE NOW WITH NO CONTEMPTUOUS ARMOUR.
‘One thing I am aware of though.
I’m not allowing myself to think, remember, reflect past the day before. My safe zone is NOW.
Another conversation with a lady whom was also indigenous, saw me unable to hold back gut wrenching tears. These people sat with me in my journey. Or did I sit with them ? We sat together.
‘She looked me in the eye as she sat down before cleaning the vacated motel rooms. I can’t remember if she asked me or just commented about my twenty five year life with this man she knew I loved more than life. Whatever was asked or said came with words from my mouth that were choked. I stopped and hesitated as my response was and had to be honest. That moment of thought… “Do I axe this now or continue?”
I continued and out it came. Her body just slumped as she realised that there is raw emotion. And she gave me her all. She listened with such heart, concern and empathy….
later that day, I was walking to the front of the outside sitting area and the aha moment I had been waiting for came… There it was, the answer I knew was in there and yet so uncertain if it would offer me truth….
All that I love, have loved and offer love too had left my life over the past seventeen years. Losing my mother in 2005 was still not accepting. My father in 2007 was not accepting. My daughters moving out of home seems small and just a part of our children growing up. Yet it was not accepting to my mental health. My youngest daughter moving interstate saw me crash mentally.
At this point, my life stopped.
I stopped living
putting this period of time into a snippet or a visual, it was a memory of being told I was pregnant when seventeen and this was not pleasing to any of my family.
Pressing the fast forward button of my life from 1987 to 2012 was a taunting strip of purpose gone.
My purpose at 17 years old was my first daughter, my second daughter, followed with my new found love that completed me and the grandchildren that came to my life.
This twenty five year period in a two minute strip of visual whacked me like a tonne of bricks to the head and then to settle in my gut. On my hips
I was running away before they left me
Nobody intended on leaving me, my mind had such a fear of it that I removed myself before anymore departures could take what was left in me. The fear of losing more created the loss or losing them all.
I’d made it happen as if it was going to happen and I just had to speed it up. Get it over and done with . Did it need to be over and done with for them or me ? I am dying and I don’t want them to suffer this feeling of loss that I’d put myself through
Protecting them from my own bloody fears created “THE FEAR.”
This takes me to my emotional state of self and a whole new story or blog